We’re not here to judge how you get your rocks off. If anything, we’d like to give you a hand (or a foot) to help spring your rod. There are sex toys out there for every kind of horny person, from those with unyielding Fleshlight fealty to the folks who stuck the Shrek butt plug in their swamp.
We are never here to kink shame, but we are here to say, “Who knew there was a Minion Fleshlight?” Sex Handcuffs
There’s an entire VICE guide to fantasy dildos, but the following cursed Fleshlights and male masturbators are in a league of their own. Many of the following penis-pleasers fall into specific fantasy and sci-fi kinks with their pursed alien anuses and smashable necromancer boobs; others are a little more abstract, and, like a Rothko, invite the viewer’s imagination to interpret a fuckable ball of fur or an anthropomorphic ponytail however they please.
In honor of our President, the Bug’s Life Fleshlight, we have rounded up the cream of the most cursed crop.
Grab your blindfold, and let’s ride.
Out of the frying pan, and into this furry anus named “Loona.” The possibilities are endless with this portable glory hole, which has not one but two orifices for fulfilling your The Dark Crystal or furry fantasies. As one Etsy reviewer writes, “The vulva is really plump and opens up easily. Very anatomically correct inside.”
Like black licorice and truffle oil, blowjobs with teeth are a refined taste. So congratulations, my friend, for falling amongst the elite of oral sex fans. This Fleshlight not only comes with a realistic mouth, but it uses Fleshlight’s special Turbo Tech to get you off like a pro; the technology consists of a pair of interior floating rings that work together (aw) to dually grip and stroke your penis. As one reviewer writes on She Vibe, “It offers a wonderful, complex sensations.”
There’s a whole VICE article dedicated to folks whose obsession for Avatar runs Mariana Trench deep, but this dual anus and mouth Quick Shot masturbator deserves a special shout-out. The metallic colorway is worthy of Pandora itself, and the compact design makes it the perfect travel-sized sex toy.
If you get turned on by boobs, ancient she-demons, and pentagrams, then you were probably a Classics major and/or one of those quiet kids who took Latin for like nine years. You deserve some private time with the Lilith, Queen of Hell male masturbator, whose soft silicone material is designed to feel like real skin. Plus, it glows in the dark.
2023 was the year of alien cake, but 2024 is the year of the alien masturbator. A truly out-of-this-world sex toy, this metallic green Alien Queen Fleshlight is permanently puckered up for your pleasure with not one but three interior texture patterns.
As the bards at Fleshlight would say, “Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be pleasured by a hairy, massive, bipedal ape-woman? Maybe not. But, then again, maybe so.” This female Bigfoot Fleshlight is one of the brand’s most popular fantasy models, and has earned a 4.7-star average rating on the site. As one devotee writes, “I never thought I'd be making love to a lady bigfoot, I never even knew they made one!”; Another convert says, “These bumps are out of control. Tight and wonderful. Never thought I would want to fuck a bigfoot but here we are.”
From the makers of the aforementioned furball comes this dual-hole ponytail masturbator “Mary” (even though it looks a lot more like an Ariana to us). The fantasy stroker has earned many five-star ratings from reviewers that praise everything from the sleekness of the ponytail to the softness of the interior silicone. Giddy up.
As we blow through our head-to-toe list of the most cursed masturbators, it feels only natural to end on this Vajankle-inspired, fuckable foot. One Amazon reviewer in particular gave the foot a very passionate review, stating that “This foot led me to Christ. This is the most important purchase I have ever made on Amazon. This changed my life and could change yours too.” Long live the fussy.
Good job, stud. Here’s some Visine.
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